The Quiet Relationship Killer: Resentment and What to Do About It

Resentment rarely looks like rage. Sometimes it looks like crossed arms and silence.

Resentment is the slow build of hurt, frustration, and disappointment that turns into a story like, “I shouldn’t have to ask,” “It’s always on me,” or “You don’t care about me.” It usually forms when something important goes unspoken, unresolved, or repeatedly ignored. And sometimes it grows out of unspoken expectations, the quiet “deals” we assume our partner should understand without us ever clearly naming them.

It can also be sneaky. You might not walk around thinking, “I resent you.” You might just feel irritated, numb, critical, withdrawn, or tired of trying. You might notice you’re keeping score, replaying old moments, or doing things with a tight jaw and a forced “fine.”

What resentment is really trying to say

Under resentment, there’s almost always something tender trying to get your attention: a need, a longing, a fear, a grief, or a boundary that didn’t get protected.

Dr. Sue Johnson (EFT) puts words to what so many couples experience: “Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection.” When connection feels shaky, resentment can become a kind of armor. It looks like anger on the outside, but inside it’s often a protest that says, “Please see me. Please care. Please don’t leave me alone in this.”

Harriet Lerner says, “Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.” Resentment is often what happens when that signal doesn’t get heard or named, and instead gets stored up over time.

Why resentment is so harmful in a relationship

Resentment rarely stays contained. It leaks out sideways and quietly changes how you show up with each other.

It can create distance, because you stop reaching, stop sharing, and start bracing for disappointment. It can shift the tone into sarcasm, sharpness, or “whatever.” It can also turn love into obligation, where you keep doing things, but your heart isn’t in it.

And when resentment hardens, it can slide into contempt, which is a serious red flag in relationships. The Gottman Institute calls contempt “the number one predictor of divorce.” That’s why resentment work matters. It can bring relief, yes, and it can also protect the bond before resentment does more damage.

Where resentment often comes from

In the work with my clients, I’ve noticed resentment tends to grow in a few familiar places:

• Unspoken needs and expectations

• Unclear boundaries

• Chronic imbalance (mental load, emotional labour, parenting, money)

• Avoiding hard conversations until there’s a blow up or a shutdown

• Betrayals, ruptures, or repeated moments of feeling dismissed

Terry Real captures one core piece of this in a single line: “Unspoken requests almost always turn into unspoken resentments.” If you’ve been hoping your partner will just “get it,” and you’ve been swallowing the hurt instead of naming it, resentment has a lot of room to grow.

A gentle, three-part path for healing resentment

I don’t think the goal is to bulldoze resentment with forced forgiveness or “just let it go.” Resentment is information. It’s pointing to what hurts and what matters. In my practice, I teach a three-part process inspired by Katherine Woodward Thomas’s work in Conscious Uncoupling, and also aligned with the kinds of repair skills taught across evidence-based couples approaches (including EFT and the Gottman Method).

Here’s the brief overview:

1) Name what you’re holding (without censoring yourself)

This is the honest inventory stage. You put words to what you’re carrying in your body and your mind. The point is to give your experience a place to land on paper, so it stops swirling around inside you.

2) Shift from blame-only to personal power

This is where healing becomes empowering. You look at your part without self-shaming. Not “How was this all my fault?” but “Where did I abandon myself, stay silent, or give my power away?” This is also where you make amends to yourself and choose new ways of showing up, especially around boundaries, truth-telling, and self-respect.

3) Repair and clear the air when it’s appropriate and safe

Sometimes healing is internal only. Sometimes a respectful, well-timed conversation helps complete what feels unfinished. When the timing is right, repair focuses on impact, responsibility, and a clear request, with the goal of more understanding and better care going forward.

If resentment is showing up in your relationship

Resentment is often a sign that something important needs attention in the relationship. When you slow down and work with it directly and gently, it becomes easier to get underneath the anger and reconnect with what you’re really longing for: to feel seen, valued, safe, and connected.

If you’d like support, I’d love to help. You can book a free consult or a first session, and we’ll figure out what resentment is protecting you from, and what it’s asking for next. (Add your booking link here.)

Sources

• Sue Johnson quote (“Most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection.”) Psychology Today

• Harriet Lerner quote (“Anger is a signal and one worth listening to.”) anger.org

• Gottman Institute on contempt as “the number one predictor of divorce” gottman.com

• Terry Real quote (“Unspoken requests almost always turn into unspoken resentments.”) Facebook