Attachment Styles: The Patterns That Run the Show

Understanding Myself in Relationships

When feelings are big, we can still choose connection.

I still catch myself asking, why did I react like that? Last month, someone I love went quiet during a tough talk. The room felt smaller and my chest tightened. My breathing got short and shallow. My brain opened every panic tab at once.

I wanted to repair it fast. I searched for the right words and nearly started over-explaining. Silence felt scary, like a sign I’d messed up. I just needed to know “we’re good,” that our connection was still intact.

Nothing was wrong with me, I was just scared. That reaction comes from an old place that learned to cope long before I had better tools. Understanding my attachment tendencies helps me give moments like that a name, and it lets me be kinder with myself. When I can see the pattern, I have more choice. I can pause, breathe, and care for the part of me that is bracing for something bad.

If you have had moments like this, you are not alone. The goal of this post is to help you make sense of your reactions without shame or blame. We will look at what attachment is and why it matters, and I will share parts of my story along the way. You will also get simple tools to help you feel steadier when emotions swell.

What Is Attachment?

Attachment is the way we connect with people we care about, especially when we’re feeling hurt, scared, or unsure.

It is formed in childhood with the people who raised us.

Over time, your nervous system takes notes about safety and connection. It notices whether closeness feels comfy or risky for you. It tracks if people show up when you reach out. It watches if big feelings are met with care or if they’re shut down. It learns whether repair happens after conflict, and how long it takes. Those early lessons shape how we handle conflict, distance, and repair as adults.

When something feels off with someone you love, your attachment alarm might ring. Your body may get tight, tingly, hot, or go numb. Your thoughts could race, or they might go totally quiet. You might cling, shut down, or flip between both.

Knowing about attachment tendencies helps you spot patterns without shame. You can notice what sets you off, what helps you settle, and what you need to feel safe. From there, you can choose small, kind steps that care for you and support connection.

The Four Attachment Styles

We all want to feel safe, loved, and understood. Attachment tendencies aren’t flaws. They’re just old survival strategies that show up when we feel vulnerable or hurt. Understanding your tendency isn’t about labelling or fixing yourself, it’s about making space for self-awareness, healing, and new choices.

Secure 

You can name what you feel and what you need. In conflict, you speak up without attacking or shutting down. If a text goes unanswered, you assume the best and wait. You can take a break, then come back to repair the bond.

Sounds like:
“I felt hurt when you left the room. Can we talk about it after dinner?”

You might notice:

• You feel safe being close, and you’re okay being on your own too.

Anxious 

When closeness feels shaky, you might become overwhelmed or preoccupied with the relationship. You may reach out more, send follow-ups, seek signs you still matter or worry about being left or forgotten.

In conflict, you might pursue a resolution and fear it won’t be okay. Long gaps, late replies, or a change of tone can feel like a threat.

Sounds like:
“I’m worried I did something wrong. Can you tell me we’re okay?”

You might notice yourself:

• Sending a lot of texts or needing fast replies

• Replaying conversations and blaming yourself

• Feeling panicked if someone seems distant

Your deep desire for connection can sometimes feel overwhelming.

Avoidant

When emotions run high, you often pull back to steady yourself. You may go quiet, switch to practical topics, or delay the talk to get space. Relying on others can feel risky, so self-soothing and distance help you feel safe.

Sounds like:
“I need some time alone to settle.”

You might notice yourself:

• Switching to tasks or logistics during hard talks

• Wanting lots of solo time when stress rises

• Talking yourself out of feelings with “It’s fine, not a big deal”

Being with someone during stress can feel like pressure. Quiet time alone often helps you settle.

Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant)

You may feel torn: longing for closeness one moment, then feeling afraid or shut down the next. In conflict, you might reach out, then pull back fast. Your signals can feel mixed or confusing, even to you. You might trust and fear people at the same time.

Sounds like:
“I want you close, but my body is bracing. I don’t know what to do yet.”

You might notice yourself:

• Acting distant, then suddenly needing comfort

• Feeling unsafe no matter how others respond

• Struggling to know what you need or how to ask for it

This pattern often comes from early experiences that felt chaotic, unpredictable, or unsafe.

A note on variability

No one lives in one style all the time. Stress, health, grief, and the person you’re with can shift how you show up. You might feel secure with one person and more anxious or distant with another. That’s normal.

How my style shifts across relationships

With my recent partner: I tend to lean anxious. When something feels unresolved, it can hook me. I want repair right away. My brain has a tendency to replay the conversation, looking for where we lost each other. If it’s a particularly challenging time, the upset will hum in the background and drain my energy. It comes from care, yet it is tiring.

With my kids’ Dad:I noticed an avoidant streak. I put off hard talks and kept them short. My mind wandered while he spoke and I found myself multitasking. I aimed to stay polite, then steered the conversation to an exit. It felt safer than risking a disagreement or argument, even when I knew we could try another way.

With my kids: I feel secure. I’m here for any talk, big or small. Daily life, tough feelings, even the places I missed the mark when they were young. I trust we can work through hard moments together. That trust helps us stay close.

Different bonds bring out different patterns. That’s normal. Seeing this helps me meet myself with care in each relationship, and choose what will truly support connection.

What Is Self-Regulation?

Self-regulation is how you help your body and mind settle when feelings run high.

It lets you pause, breathe, and choose what to do next. Not by shutting feelings down, but by caring for yourself while they move through. 

Think of self-regulation like learning to surf. You don’t control the ocean, and the waves will come, but you can learn how to float, breathe, and ride a wave to shore. Over time, you trust yourself more in choppy water.

Self-regulation is a practice, not a test you pass. Small, kind steps count. A few slow breaths, a hand on your heart, a look around the room to remind your body “I am here and I am okay.” These moments add up and help you come back to centre.

What it is

• Skills that help you feel steadier in the moment.

• Ways to soothe your nervous system so you can respond.

• Care for yourself while feelings rise and fall.

What it isn’t

• Forcing yourself to be calm.

• Making feelings disappear.

• Pretending everything is fine.

Support for Each Attachment Style

If You Lean Anxious:

• Breathe slowly when your mind spirals. 4-4-4 breathing works well (inhale for 4 seconds, hold with chin tucked to chest for 4, then lift chin and exhale for 4. Repeat for 6+ rounds).

• Do a “reality check”: Is what I’m thinking true? Are these thoughts helping me?

• Touch or hold something grounding (like a bracelet or smooth stone).

• Name what you need instead of hinting or people-pleasing.

• Try journaling or a check-in with your inner child.

• Shake or dance out stress when waiting for replies or reassurance.

If You Lean Avoidant:

• Before pulling away, pause and breathe. Notice your body.

• Use grounding touch: rub your arms or press feet into the floor.

• Try orienting: gently look around the room. Notice the here and now.

• Share a small truth instead of shutting down completely.

• Let others know, “It’s hard for me to talk, but I’m trying.”

• Use journaling to explore feelings before you speak.

If You Lean Disorganized:

• Use a daily routine: morning breathwork, midday grounding, evening self-check-in.

• Give yourself a butterfly hug when emotions feel too big or confusing (cross your arms over your chest and alternate tapping your shoulders slowly).

• Hold something small that feels good in your hand(s): a stone, bracelet, or something soft and comforting like a pillow. Let it remind you: you’re here in this present moment. Ask yourself: am I safe enough right now?

• Talk out loud to your inner child: “You’re safe with me. I’ve got you now.”

• Focus on one sense at a time when things feel chaotic (e.g., name 3 things you hear).

If You’re Secure (or moving that way):

• Keep using tools that help you stay grounded and connected.

• Breathe before responding during conflict.

• Speak your needs clearly and kindly.

• Offer co-regulation to others, like a calm tone, gentle eye contact, or a hand on the shoulder.

• When off-balance, return to grounding, breath, or self-compassion. 

My dancing reset

Dancing to calm my anxious attachment and regulate my nervous system.

When I’m feeling tight, stuck, anxious or angry, I dance. Some days it’s the cliché pop hits by Katy Perry or Taylor Swift because those songs can lift me fast. Some days I reach for classic rock and play something like “Ramble On” by Led Zeppelin. Other days I need a full-body smile, so it’s “Hey Hey Hey” by Michael Franti or “More Than Enough” by Tubby Love.

I have a big, open, private living room where I can move with abandon. One song is sometimes all I have time for, but I love when it turns into three or four. I sing along out loud – loud! Sometimes the singing turns into a wail or a yell – I don’t fight it. I let whatever wants to rise come through and have its moment without judgement.

It is not graceful. It is honest. My shoulders soften. My jaw unhooks. I can feel my feet again. By the time the music ends, I’m breathing deeper and my mind is kinder and clear. Every time, I feel lighter and more free. I never regret it. Give it a try! You probably won’t regret it either ;)

Resources & Further Reading

Online Quiz

· Attachment Project free quiz with simple results.

Videos

· What Are The 4 Attachment Styles? by Heidi Priebe

· Mastering Emotional Regulation: It's Not About Acting Calm by Heidi Priebe

Books

· Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. Attachment science in plain language, with repair tools for couples. 

· Secure Love by Julie Menanno. Clear overview of adult attachment with everyday examples.